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Middle Years (7-12)
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A person’s outlook on life often begins to take shape in the middle years. As tweens start experiencing more of the outside world while pulling back from their families, they develop a sense of identity and their own set of personal values. At this age, they start voicing their opinion about everything- from which presidential candidate to vote for to why they should receive a later weekend curfew. As they morph from tween to teenager, their viewpoints and beliefs become even stronger. All of these characteristics, in development during middle and high school, eventually come together to form a person’s attitude. According to John Maxwell, author of “Attitude 101: What Every Leader Needs to Know” (Nelson Books, 2003), the two most important factors in children between the ages of 11 and 21 are peers and physical appearance. Most parents would agree with this, given their child’s preoccupation with friends and the latest fashions. But what is startling is how much preteens and teenagers will let these two factors influence how they view themselves and other people. In many instances, friends have a greater influence on tweens and teenagers than their parents. “Children at this age look to their friends to help them determine who they really are, and friends also provide safety and understanding at a time when kids are insecure and confused about many aspects of their lives,” says Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel-based psychotherapist, author and lecturer. Know the other side As a child therapist, Murray notes that one of the biggest complaints she hears from parents of tweens and teenagers is that they don’t like their child’s friends. They will blame certain friends for being a bad influence on their child, yet it’s their child’s responsibility for becoming involved with those peers. This is when parental intervention is critical. “Parents should be involved in helping their child forge their own personality and attitudes instead of some kid who’s a trouble-maker at the age of 12,” says Murray. If a worrisome relationship is brewing, parents should ask their child the following questions: Why do you want to be this person’s friend or part of this clique? What does it say about you by being associated with this person or group? Do you feel badly about yourself? Are you being bullied or pressured to be friends with this person? “Kids don’t always understand the answers to these questions, but parents can help them get a handle on this situation,” says Murray. In most instances, after a period of time a good kid recognizes that these “friends” are more trouble than they are worth. During the tween years, it’s important to get to know the friend’s parents. There should be a common thread with values and attitudes about child-rearing. If it looks like this might not be the case and your child still wants to socialize with this friend, it is important to communicate your expectations to the parents. “If you don’t allow your child to watch R-rated videos at home, you should tell the friend’s parents that this is your requirement when the kids are playing at their house,” says Murray. At the same time, parents should talk in a non-threatening way to their child about how the friendship can be harmful for them. In today’s electronic age, friendship has become much broader and inclusive as children communicate online in chat rooms and on web blogs. As a result, many parents do not even know these cyber friends. They are simply a username, whether real or fictitious, yet a child could spend hours each day communicating with them over the Internet. Murray points out that numerous preteens and teenagers have logged on to MySpace.com either as a user or visitor. “The frightening part about this is that many people who send out messages are not who they seem to be,” says Murray. “In some cases you even have adults posing as children.” Due to these potential dangers, parents need to know who their child is communicating with online. The hair, the clothes Physical appearance seems to take on as much importance as friends during the middle years. Their clothing and hairstyles are as much a statement of their attitude as who they associate with. Spurred on by fashion magazines and stores that cater to tweens, many middle-schoolers ignore school dress code limits by wearing midriff-revealing shirts, mini skirts, platform shoes and faces hidden under excessive makeup. Boys are not immune to fashion obsessions, particularly in the area of hairstyles and shoes. Many preteens also experiment with alternative dress styles such as punk and gothic. But when middle-schoolers start looking more like hookers or motorcycle bikers than kids, parents need to become involved. Parents also should take notice of a child’s extreme preoccupation with appearance and body image, since this can lead to depression, eating disorders and other destructive behavior. “It’s critical during these years to recognize your child’s strengths that are not related to appearance, such as athletics, success in school or volunteer activities,” says Murray. Although the tween and teenage years are a time when parents tend to withdraw somewhat from their child’s lives, experts agree that parents need to become even more involved in this stage. They may act or say they don’t need their parents, but this is not the case. A national study conducted last year by the Girl Scouts of America found that about 90% of tweens say that how they are treated by the adults in their lives either those in their family, their teachers or adults makes them feel good about themselves. “Parents need to use this time not only as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship with their child, but also to help them develop appropriate values,” says Murray. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. For Letters ocfamily.com |
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