EVERYTHING
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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Editor's Note
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The birthday photographs have always included an image of my oldest son holding up the number of fingers that correspond with his age. That works well for 10 years. Less than two months ago, he held up what looked like a peace sign: Two fingers, 12 years old. Not a bad symbolic image. Give peace a chance. He has moved rapidly toward the teen mode for some time now, and is less than a year away from officially dipping his toe into the pimply water. On the other line from New York is Laurie Puhn, J.D., best-selling author of “Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life” (Penguin, 2006, paperback). “Now what do we do?” I asked the communication expert, who has trademarked the phrase “InstantPersuasion.” Not a bad idea for a parent, that phrase. “Every time we talk to someone, we are persuading that person to like or dislike us, listen to or ignore us,respect or disrespect us,” says the former mediator. “What I saw through mediation, certain comments would win people over. And there were other comments that would set people off, and nobody got what they wanted. I turned that into everyday life.You have to persuade your children all the time; it is one of the most important relationships, to make sure you are connecting with the child (so they) have the tools that they need.” One of Puhn’s 35 rules is, “Show You Care.” “This means that when your child comes home from school, you follow up on something personal. ‘How did you math test go?’ Or, ‘What did you do today with your friends?’” Puhn urges parents to help the preteen learn to ask her own questions: “Dad, how did the meeting go today?”And draw them in, explaining the challenges of the meeting and asking for advice in handling a certain situation. Another rule: “Punch with a Smile.” “Give a compliment before the criticism.” Puhn gives the example of the half-picked-up room. Before pointing out the pile in the corner, applaud the effort already done. Of course, those of you with preteens and teens know that it is not this easy, and that even the best moments have rough patches. Puhn says to never give up. “It’s the kind of relationship that can escalate into a conflict much more quickly than it could in the office, or with friends. But that’s why it is so important for parents to be wise and know how to respond.” This is good advice for parents of children of all ages. My wife and I have time to do it better, or at least a little bit of time. We have 8-year-old twins. When we discovered during the pregnancy that we were going to have a pair, we called relatives who had much older twins. “Now what do we do?” Their answer: “It’s all easy until they’re 13.” |
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