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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
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Careers and kids. The reality is not always complementary, especially when both parents work full time. Sure, many companies try to support parents with family-friendly hours and benefits, but those examples still exist in small numbers. For two parents with 40-hour-plus workweeks, conflict lies at the intersection of work and family. And so does the inevitable discussion of whose job takes precedence. Let's face it, Orange County can be an expensive place to live. Nearly all of our married friends with kids both work full time to maintain a lifestyle for their family. So when both parents continue working, it's time to talk about who will take on more kid duties and who will work the 60 or more hours a week often needed to guarantee career growth. For Jacob Kong and his wife Jaimie Wu, that conversation came a few months after their first daughter was born. "After we had Leah, we realized the scope of the effort and really had to have that conversation about roles and responsibilities," says Kong, of Irvine. "It starts up with little fights. The light bulb doesn't turn on: Why are we fighting? Not that we were taking a tally, but it was like, 'I bathed her yesterday. It's your turn.' You have to force yourself to have that conversation." They decided that Jaimie would be more involved in day-to-day child rearing and Jacob would focus on his work, which had higher long-term salary potential. Problem solved for the time being. For my husband and me, the conversation occurred one week after I returned to work from maternity leave. I wanted to put my MBA to use and my company's growth afforded me some great opportunities. I realized Supermom wasn't a role I could play past those five days. So, we agreed my husband would take on more of the child-care duties, freeing me up to leave the house earlier, stay at work later, and travel. It sounded good at the time But sometimes what sounds good in theory doesn't work out so easily in practice. "When you have two people working, you realize one has to bring home more of the bacon than the other," Kong says. "But until you throw the responsibilities on one person of picking up the kids, bathing duties and all that, you don't understand the full weight. It sounds like a great concept, but when the other party is waking up earlier, running to the daycare center, making dinner, you feel underappreciated and unsatisfied with it. And it ends up being a recurring theme." My husband had a similar reaction; adding the majority of parenting duties onto a full workweek isn't easy. And sometimes caring for a child alone while your spouse attends company events with work buddies or travels out of town to wine and dine clients just doesn't seem fair. Likewise, when your child's eyes light up with your spouse while you get the cold shoulder after a business trip, the career focus doesn't feel so great. That means that at least every six months or so, it's a good idea to revisit the arrangement...and show appreciation for each person's role. While you can't continually "re-ink the contract," it does help to review the reasons for your decision regularly, says Kong. As women achieve higher positions and better salaries in the workplace, deciding whose career takes precedence is truly a choice. But gender still can play a role in whose career matters most. Kong says a father's workplace can impact his decision. "As a male, when you work in an environment where males don't have kids or family, it isn't an endorsed concept. When a male makes the statement that he has to take off early to pick up his daughter, you get the impression - although not overt - that the question is why you need to do that. Not everyone believes that kids are not just something to have, as opposed to being involved in their lives." Things change Remember, whatever decision you make isn't set in stone. Consider setting up checkpoints to re-evaluate and plan for the coming year. Maybe your child is getting ready to start school or a grandparent has retired and is willing to handle an after-school career. Maybe the career-focused spouse wants to try a home-based business or let off the gas pedal a bit. The start of summer vacation or New Year's Day are both easy milestones around which to plan these talks. Another time to revisit the talk is when you decide to add another child to the family. Kong says he spends a lot more time with his first child now that they have a second daughter, but that has drastically limited his bonding with 4-month-old Elise. And the time he does have to give just doesn't feel like enough for either. "I get home, give my oldest a bath and dinner, and end up counting minutes, not hours," he says. "When you hold your smallest child and can't stop her from crying, then give her to mom and she stops crying immediately, it gets to you." As we prepare for our second child due this fall, we have already started talking about the impact on our current balancing act. We know there will be even less "just the two of us" time to make time for "No. 2"...and the additional evenings I'll need to spend checking work emails from home. Jennifer Leuer is a longtime contributor to OC Family Magazine. Your 5-item list Considerations for two-parent working couples to consider before the stork arrives, and at least annually thereafter: 1. Whose career has higher earning potential? 2. Which partner really wants to be more responsible for daily child rearing? Is one more fulfilled by being the caretaker? 3. Whose company or boss is more supportive of work-life balance? Is there an opportunity to leave for daycare pickup every day, but get back online at night? 4. Can one person slow down on career advancement until the kids get older without long-term career consequences? 5. What are the pros and cons with the current balancing act? |
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