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8 ways to reduce conflict When was the last time your family had a totally calm and peaceful day? For many, it’s hard to get through an afternoon without some type of argument, emotional outburst or ultimatum. Disagreements become a common denominator in each and every day. But it doesn’t have to be that way, says author and educator Sura Hart. In her new book, “Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids; 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-operation,” Hart points readers toward recognizing the triggers behind such disagreements, and offers a checklist of suggestions and practical exercises parents can use to create positive outcomes and a peaceful family atmosphere. The first thing to consider, recommends Hart, is that everyone in the family has their own needs, and even if you can’t fulfill that need at a specific moment, by simply acknowledging it you set the stage for willing cooperation among family members. For example, the next time your 4-year-old jumps you at the door and begs for a little playtime as you can barely find the energy to breathe, rather than telling him, “Not now!” say something like, “I know you want to play together and so do I, but how about if we sit down and you tell me about your day while I relax for a few minutes and then we can come up with a plan to get some playtime in?” “Once every family member gets the fact that their needs matter, everyone relaxes and you don’t have power struggles,” explains Hart. Eight more ways to create a more cooperative atmosphere at home: [1.] TAKE A TIMEOUT As parents, we’re all busy. But whether you’re holding down a 9-to-5, or balancing volunteer hours at school you need to reserve a slice of time just for yourself. Even if it’s just 10 minutes, it can be enough to reflect, get inspired, or take stock in the good things you’ve done lately. [2.] CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS There’s no set prescription for a specific number of minutes or hours you need to invest in a relationship, says Hart, but spending a set amount of time together daily, like at the dinner table, should be a priority. Also, make the effort to schedule a weekly family meeting. Plan a fun activity, time for everyone to share what’s going on in their life, and an opportunity to formulate some short- or long-term goals. [3.] INSPIRE GIVING Hart says she believes that people are most joyful contributing to others, but too often children’s “gifts” go overlooked. Beginning at a young age, let your children know that gifts are not always store-bought. And show appreciation for their playful spirit, a beaming smile or willingness to help with a task. A giving atmosphere and willing cooperation go hand-in-hand. “Children like to give when they realize what they can do and how they can contribute, but it takes the joy out of it when we hear a demand,” reminds Hart. [4.] KEEP REQUESTS SIMPLE Everyone plays a role in keeping the family home peaceful and well-maintained, but it’s much easier to fulfill those roles if everyone understands what needs to be done. To avoid an argument the next time you need help straightening up, Hart suggests rather than asking your child to “help around the house,” ask, “Are you willing to spend 10 minutes helping me pick up the family room?” Suddenly it’s a doable request that can be completed in a specific time frame. [5.] BE A PROBLEM-SOLVER Conflicts are problems waiting to be solved, says Hart, so use them as an opportunity to brainstorm solutions. It may take a while to feel a level of confidence in knowing that everyone can come to an agreement, but once everyone finds that confidence, problem-solving will get even easier. Initiate an open floor for suggestions with a comment like, “What can we do to keep the noise level down around here?” [6.] OBSERVE, DON’T EVALUATE When you come across a potential conflict, take the time to communicate in a manner that doesn’t immediately put your child on the defensive. For example; the next time you’re trying to talk to your child and he’s not paying attention, rather than saying “You never listen to me,” be very specific about the situation and observe what it is he’s doing that’s keeping him from actively listening. A comment like, “I see that you’re watching TV while I’m trying to talk to you,” is more apt to open up a dialogue between the two of you rather than start an argument. [7.] PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON When you feel yourself getting emotionally charged and on the verge of saying (or yelling) something that most likely you will regret later, step back and stop what you’re doing, advises Hart. You may even want to put the conversation on hold and go for a walk or call a friend to get yourself calmed down before you get back on track to deal with the original disagreement. [8.] LEARN AS YOU GO Feeling guilty that you’ve lost your temper or not taken the time to listen to your child when you came home from work completely exhausted? Use the experience to prepare yourself for next time, suggests Hart. “There’s an assumption that as parents, we should know what to do, but we need to recognize that every moment is new and we are continually learning,” she says. “Don’t be afraid to admit if you’ve handled a situation wrong. That’s when it’s time to sit down and invite collaboration.” There may be rough spots along the road, but it is possible for people to enjoy their family lives much more, assures Hart. Family meeting activity: CREATE A MISSION STATEMENT Mission statements are key to successful businesses and they can be a key to successful family relationships, too. At your next family meeting, spend time creating a mission statement. Have each person contribute ideas and suggestions about how members interact with each other, as well as other things that are important to them. For example: Our home is a place where we do not feel criticized. In our home, we will share the gift of laughter with each other every day. We will work together as a family to meet each other’s needs. Ask your kids to color and decorate the statement, frame it and hang it in a place where it can be seen. |
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