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Parents beware: Date abuse is on the rise When parents were surveyed 30 to 40 years ago about teen dating, their biggest concern was premarital sex. Today, with such an increase in teen dating abuse, date rape and online dating, it’s clear that the biggest worry for parents involving teen dating is safety. A day doesn’t pass without hearing of another young victim of a dating tragedy. A recent example is the 19-year-old Rancho Santa Margarita woman who has been missing since June after leaving on a date with a man she met online. Unknown to her, she had hooked up with a registered sex offender. To make matters worse, for every teen victim whose story is told publicly, there are countless others who suffer in silence. The statistics are frightening. One in three high school students (boys and girls) have been, or will be involved, in an abusive relationship. When surveyed, 40% of teenage girls ages 14-17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. These may be national statistics, but Marissa Presley, prevention education specialist for Laura’s House in Ladera Ranch, stresses that teen-dating abuse also is prevalent and frequently unreported in Orange County. Due to this growing problem, Laura’s House created H.E.A.R.T. (Healthy Emotions and Attitudes in Relationships for Teens), which provides free assistance to teens who are victims of abuse. Laura’s House also operates a 24-hour crisis hotline for any victim of domestic violence. “Parents need to be aware of the different types of abuse,” notes Presley. Abuse is not always physical or sexual, and sometimes manifests in the form of verbal abuse. “For instance, a boy may constantly call his girlfriend demeaning names, then laughs, telling her she is too sensitive and that he was only kidding,” she says. Other teenagers commit mental or emotional abuse by playing mind games, or constantly harassing them with phone calls, IMs and text messages. Some teens end up in relationships in which their partner text messages them up to 30 times per hour to find out where they are and what they are doing. Although there are many explanations for the increase in unsafe dating incidents, Jennifer Kaplan, a doctoral student in psychology and an intern at South County Psychotherapy in Laguna Niguel, believes that the two primary reasons are the media’s depiction of popular culture and a lack of parental involvement. “The music teenagers are listening to and the programs they’re watching on TV are extremely sexualized, violent and disrespectful,” she says. Most experts agree that teens are desensitized by repeated depictions of violence and sex in the media. Kaplan adds that parents can help prevent their teens from practicing unsafe dating by establishing rules and boundaries for dating, as well as for technology usage. She believes that computers should not be situated in a teen’s bedroom and there should be restrictions placed on cell-phone use. She points out that most text messaging and cell-phone usage in abusive relationships is between midnight and 5 a.m., when parents are usually asleep. How can a parent be sure their teen is in an abusive relationship? According to Kaplan, the following behaviors serve as warning signs: • Visible bruises and scratches • Less connection with friends and family • Personality changes • Frequent crying or emotional outbursts • A change in appearance. For girls, this may mean wearing baggier clothes and less makeup • Constant communication with partner via the cell phone and computer. As the number of teens who are victims of dating abuse continues to rise, one disturbing fact is that a significant majority of parents are completely unaware of these occurrences. During the teen years, parents should build a loving, supportive relationship with their teens, since this will promote trust and keep communication lines open. But at the same time, they need to establish rules and enforce them consistently. “I still remember hating my parents when I was 16 because I felt they were ruining my life with all these rules,” says Kaplan (who’s only 25), “but now I realize they did this because they loved me.” Freelance writer Carol Daus is the mother of three and regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. DATING BILL OF RIGHTS To help teenagers understand that they have rights and responsibilities in dating relationships, share this information with them: I have the right: > To ask for a date > To refuse a date > To suggest activities > To refuse activities, even if my date is excited about them > To say I think my partner’s information is wrong or his/her actions are unfair or inappropriate > To tell someone not to interrupt me > To have my limits and my values respected > To be heard > To refuse to lend money > To refuse affection > To have friends and space aside from my partner > To refuse sex with anyone, even if they took me out on an expensive date > To refuse sex anytime, for any reason |
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