EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Teen Years (13-18)
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How to rekindle a relationship with your teen It’s normal for parents to experience some bumps in their relationships with their teenagers. These conflicts often stem from the need for teens to develop their own identity and independence. Disagreements over curfews, grades, instant messaging or dating are just a few of the subjects that often lead to arguments, temper flare-ups and hurt feelings. Despite these minefields, most parents and teens are able to maintain healthy relationships. For others, constant bickering can lead to a complete breakdown in their relationships. Joyce Faroe of Newport Beach recalls that her relationship with her 16-year-old daughter reached an impasse one year ago when she recognized that the two could rarely maintain a conversation without one of them blowing up over some trivial disagreement. “It was terrible – neither of us wanted to be around each other, but at the same time deep down we both craved the relationship we had when my daughter was younger.” Although there are many things parents can do to improve their relationship with their teen, Michele Borba, a Palm Springs-based educational psychologist and author, stresses that professional help may be needed in some cases. “If you’ve tried everything possible to repair a relationship and nothing seems to help, there could be underlying problems affecting your child, such as depression. If this occurs, it’s very important to pick up the phone and get some help.” But in many situations, a relationship can be rebuilt from scratch if the parents and teens are committed to working together. “The first thing I tell parents to do is to put themselves in their children’s shoes and experience their feelings,” Borba says. “If you were your daughter, what would she want to tell you about your behavior and why the relationship is suffering?” Borba adds that it’s also important to be patient and not set unrealistic expectations. If you and your teen can barely go 10 minutes without experiencing a major argument, a goal should be to spend 20 to 30 minutes in a conflict-free exchange. Bob Sklar, a Fullerton-based family therapist who counsels many teenagers, agrees that relationship building takes time and requires concentrated effort. “As difficult as it may be, parents must spend time focusing on fixing the relationship,” says Sklar. This means they must pull away from other activities and become active listeners. “Finding an activity that both they and their child enjoy – whether it’s going to a movie or listening to music together – not only helps strengthen the relationship but provides an atmosphere in which teenagers are more apt to talk freely.” Borba also stresses that what teenagers want most from their parents is for them to listen. It’s critical that parents give their children their full attention and assume that they have something to learn. A common pitfall for parents is to believe that they know what their child thinks, so they jump in, rebutting or dismissing their ideas and feelings. Sklar adds that many parents make the mistake of becoming reactionaries. “Many children at this stage of their lives are like trapeze artists grasping for rings in different directions – for instance, they might declare that they’ve become a vegetarian or a member of a political party that’s different than their parents,” he says. “Parents should not overreact in these situations and just understand that this is a normal part of growing up.” Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three teenagers. Relationship repair If your relationship with your teenager is spiraling out of control, consider the following tips: • Bite your bottom lip and hold the negativity. Reserving judgment works wonders for a relationship with a teenager. • Count to 10 before you respond to a comment that infuriates you. • Get into your kid’s zone. Instead of having your teen do what you want to do, find ways to rekindle the relationship by doing things he wants to do. • Pay attention to your body language when communicating. Teens are quick to notice shrugging shoulders or raised eyebrows. • Practice restraint and patience when your child is trying to communicate. They don’t like interruptions and usually need more time than adults to process their feelings. • Find a time to communicate when he is most receptive. For teenagers, it’s usually after noon. • Revise your expectations – kids at this stage are more focused on friends than family, so naturally your relationship will be different than when she was younger. • Observe if your child relates well to another adult. If so, take cues from that person’s behavior and try to relate in a similar way. • Hold your jealousy if your child relates better with your spouse or another adult. Be grateful that there is an adult your child enjoys spending time with. Resources “ Getting Back to Basics & Raising Happy Kids: by Michele Borba, Ed.D. (Jossey-Bass, 2006). “ Don’t Give Me That Attitude” by Michele Borba, Ed.D. (Jossey-Bass, 2004). |
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