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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Teen Years
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Communicating with a teenager can resemble walking through a minefield. At any moment, you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question, only to find it triggering an explosive response from your teenager. You know that communication keeps you connected to your child, but it often seems to backfire because of the type of questions asked. Nagging or confrontational questions cause many teens to withdraw from their parents. Here are 5 questions you should avoid asking at all cost: [1.] How was your day? Even though parents mean well by asking this question, teens interpret this as an insincere inquiry. “Mundane, generic remarks like this don’t go over well with teenagers,” says Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and author of “12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know.” Even simple questions, such as, “Did you have fun last night?” “How was school?” and “Where are you going tonight?” are viewed suspiciously by teens who feel they are being given the third degree. Better approach: It sometimes helps if you share a funny or stressful situation that you experienced during the day. Many times this encourages them to share a similar incident that happened to them. It also helps if you ask your teen his opinion on a problem you faced. This builds trust and makes him feel that you value his judgment. [2.]You’re wearing that to school?! Unless an outfit does not meet dress-code regulations, parents need to be careful about being overly critical about their teen’s clothing. “Parents should pick their battles carefully, or otherwise communication will be one long, ongoing argument,” says Borba. “It’s one thing to object to behavior that is considered unsafe or goes against your family’s values, but it’s another thing to be judgmental about the smaller issues.” Better approach: If the outfit in question is only slightly objectionable, it’s probably not worth getting all worked up about your teen’s fashion statement. However, if it is completely over the top, parents should calmly ask their teens how they would feel if the principal ends up sending them home because of a dress-code violation. Start a conversation instead of a lecture. [3.]Do you think you’ll be able to pull up your grades by the end of the quarter? The problem with this question is that it focuses on the negative, rather than the positive. It’s important to communicate with teens about their successes and accomplishments, rather than just talking about their shortcomings. This question puts teens on the defensive, and since it’s a yes/no question, it’s unlikely that parents would obtain any useful information from their reply. Would you want to communicate with a friend or work colleague who is always critical of your work? Better approach: Instead of only bringing up classes that might be giving your teen difficulty, discuss those in which he is doing well. Find out what he likes most about the class and compliment him on his accomplishments. If the majority of verbal interaction with your teen is negative, he’ll avoid communicating with you. [4.]Your room is never neat! Why can’t you keep it clean? Once again, a negative question will elicit a strong reaction from your teen. It also contains the word, “never,” which parents should avoid using when talking to teens, says Borba. Generalizations, such as, “You never do your work,” “You never call me,” or “You always wait to the last minute” are seen as lecturing. She advises parents to wait and count to 5 if they’re about to make a critical comment. “Once you open your mouth, you can’t take the words back, so be sure you’re not going to say something that will make things worse,” Borba says. Better approach: If your teen isn’t holding up his part of the bargain when it comes to household responsibilities, don’t make sweeping generalities, such as, “You never clear the table.” Instead, say, “You forgot to clear the table this evening.” [5.]Why do you have to date that boy (or girl)? It’s easy to form quick opinions about someone your child is dating. But just because a boy has long hair or struggles with schoolwork doesn’t mean you should forbid your daughter from seeing him. “Don’t be too quick to judge,” says Borba. “Most kids will figure out after a short period if the relationship is worthwhile.” Better approach: If you recognize after some time that the boyfriend is a bad influence, spend time talking (not lecturing) to your teen about your specific worries. Teens will listen if you provide specific details. For example, mention to your daughter that you’re concerned her grades are slipping or that her boyfriend is too possessive because he doesn’t want her to spend time with her girlfriends. Freelance writer Carol Daus is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. ---SIDE BAR --- Ways To Improve Communication To help improve communication with your teen, Michele Borba, author and educational psychologist, offers the following strategies: > Choose your timing wisely. Gauge their mood before you talk. The 2 worst times to talk to teens are when they first wake up (because they’re usually sleep-deprived) and when they first come home after school (because they’re usually overwhelmed). > Watch your non-verbal cues, such as smirks or raised eyebrows. Teens are overly sensitive to these expressions and may read more into them than you think. > Make time to listen. If you want your child to listen, you have to make sure you’re willing to do the same. Don’t multi-task while carrying on a conversation – sit down and make direct eye contact. > Keep comments short. Use the 1-minute rule; teens hate lectures. If you talk for more than a minute, you’re tuning out the kid. |
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