EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
Teen Years
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Can I drive up to L.A. tonight with some friends?” my 17-year-old daughter asks. I wonder why they can’t find something to do in Orange County; it’s not like we’re in the middle of Kansas. Seconds later, my teenage son yells out from the other room, “Mom, can I go over to Ryan’s tonight? He’s having a party at his house!” No surprise there, since I know for a fact that his parents are out of town until tomorrow morning. Ah, the joys of being a parent of teenagers. I recognize they need to experience freedom in order to grow into well-adjusted adults, but at the same time, how much freedom is too much? It’s a constant struggle that leaves parents exhausted and confused. Instead of viewing the teen-parent relationship as a fiercely held tug-of-war, many psychologists advise that for most teenagers it’s better to imagine there is a loose rope tied between your waist and your child’s waist. In most instances, neither of you should even notice the rope. But once in awhile, you will feel a tug, which means they need your advice and support. When they get what they need, they will pull away again. As teens grow older, parents need to understand the importance of loosening their grip. “As difficult as it may be, our primary job as parents is to teach our children how to leave us,” explains Dr. Jill Murray, a Laguna Niguel psychotherapist. This is especially challenging for today’s generation of parents. Our generation pushes children into sports, music lessons, play dates and educational programs. We’re guilty of micromanaging our children’s activities to a point where they have little time left to think and act for themselves. Then they leave for college. They’re expected to make decisions for themselves, which can be difficult when situations are complicated and the variables undefined. This may explain why Murray, who lectures at colleges around the country, has been told by college counselors that incoming freshmen exhibit poor coping skills when making the transition from high school to college life. To help teens develop the skills needed to succeed on their own, Murray stresses that parents let their children fail. “We tend to cushion everything in cotton for them so there are no rough edges to hit their heads on,” she says. Instead, they need to be allowed to make mistakes and to develop their own strategies for success. Murray stresses that the biggest mistake many parents make is to become too involved with their homework. Parents should coach from the homework sidelines and advise how to budget time. Another way to give your teen a sense of freedom while preparing him to become more responsible is to encourage part-time employment. Murray points out that a child’s primary focus should be school and family, but if they are managing these areas well, a 15-hour-a-week job can teach responsibility, punctuality, money management and interpersonal relationships. Despite a need for freedom, some teens require a tighter pull on the rope, given their personalities and behavior. As a good rule of thumb, teens should receive various freedoms, such as a later curfew, based on their past actions. If they have demonstrated good decision-making and have a strong sense of self, they obviously should be granted more freedom than the teen who’s constantly in trouble for associating with the wrong friends, cutting school, or using alcohol and drugs. “The real key is knowing who your child is and how they would react when they’re up against the wall,” says Murray. Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. Editor’s Note: From a Gallup Poll of 439 respondents ages 13-17, 55% plan to do things differently in raising children. The teens plan to be “less controlling and allow more freedom” when they’re the ones making the rules. |
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