EVERYTHING
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Teen Years
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Many parents wonder why communication seems to break down when their children become teenagers. In the space of three short years, their child transforms from a chatty 10-year-old to an emotional, sometimes sullen, teenager. Conversations are often filled with misunderstandings and conflict. Laura Reinhart of Costa Mesa has noticed this change in her 15-year-old son because whenever she has a conversation with him he becomes defensive and it turns into a power struggle. “I know I’m letting him get away with inappropriate behavior when he talks this way, but at the same time whenever I confront him about his remarks, our discussions always turn into bigger battles,” she says. These feelings are not uncommon for parents of teens, and that’s why Lara Fox and Hilary Frankel, both 18, wrote “Breaking the Code” (New American Library, 2005), a book that offers a teen’s perspective on how parents can communicate more effectively with their teenagers. The co-authors’ intention, they tell parents in their introduction, is to offer a “guide to what teens really hear when you speak, and how you can make them hear what you are actually trying to say.” They wrote the book when they were both 16, while preparing for the SAT and learning to drive. Now Fox is a student at Brown University and Frankel is at Yale University. The book is broken into chapters relating to subjects such as curfews, driving, homework, and dating, but what makes the reading unique is that it simulates conversations between parents and their children, and then translates them into what teens actually hear. Here is an example: according to Fox and Frankel, when a mother says, “We’re all having dinner with the Smiths on Friday night,” teens hear, “I don’t really care what you may have planned and I don’t respect you enough to check with you before making plans.” That’s because, as the authors stress, teens are quick to misinterpret their parents and often think that their parents have ulterior motives. In this scenario, it would have been much more effective if the mother had started the conversation by simply asking her teen if she had made plans on Friday night. When parents need to bring up topics such as grades, relationships or curfews, Fox and Frankel stress that it can be effective to start the conversation by saying, “I know you don’t want to listen to me say this again and again, but hear me out one last time.” This tone is more respectful of a teen’s feelings and helps set the stage for a conversation as opposed to a lecture, which causes alienation. Another mistake many parents make is to use expressions such as, “Look on the bright side,” or, “Be thankful for what you have.” Fox and Frankel explain that teenagers translate this to mean: “Your feelings are not important since there are much bigger problems in the world.” In these situations, teens just want to vent their feelings, but judgments made by their parents only create more animosity. There are concrete reasons why many of these misunderstandings in communication arise. According to Christy Buchanan, associate professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, the teenage years take many parents by surprise because up until that period they were considered the primary decision-makers and were totally responsible for their child’s well-being. As children grow through the teen years, they are expected to become more independent, which requires parents to modify their parenting style. “If parents are still rigidly holding on to a pattern that does not allow teens to think and act for themselves, this could create problems,” says Buchanan. She notes that cognitive changes also occur during the teen years that cause them to think more abstractly and question authority. “In general, this is good because it shows a child’s emerging autonomy and intellectual development, but it can also lead to conflicts between teens and their parents.” Despite these challenges, teenagers do want to maintain strong communication with their parents. Fox and Frankel write: “Teenagers want to be treated like adults, and they’ll snap at you if they detect you treating them like children. But at the same time, they need to know that you’re still there, looking out for them; that you’re still the parent.” Carol Daus is a freelance writer who lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and their three teenagers. |
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