EVERYTHING
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Sandwich Generation
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Jeffrey Garcia’s father reverted to a time in his life when things were good after losing his partner of 30 years to cancer. Though worrisome to family members, this world proved far less painful than the present one. Because of his failing memory, he bore the devastating reality, not once, but over and over again. “His grief was terrible,” says Garcia, who lives in Lake Forest with his wife and three children. “He would relive her dying multiple times a day.” His response, though closely tied to dementia, is one of many reactions to grief. According to Bryan Kemp, a geriatric psychologist at UC Irvine Senior Health Center, research shows only one greater loss in life than the death of a spouse and that’s the loss of child. Though difficult at any age, the life-altering event tends to be harder on older adults since they’ve often had a longer relationship with their mate and are frequently not in great health themselves. Further complicating the loss is a series of events that follow. “There are several consequences to the post-death of a spouse in terms of your role in life, someone to do things with, having a confidant. It may change even income. So this leads to other losses in addition to the death,” says Kemp. “When you add them all up, you’re actually not dealing with a single event; you’re dealing with multiple events.” How can you help your parent or grandparent through the grief process? And what should you watch for to make certain they are on course? Kemp offers these suggestions: • Have reasonable expectations and be aware that this is one of the most difficult adjustments in life. Rather than getting over it, what tends to be truer is people learn to live with the loss. • Have a lot of latitude in the way people express grief. In addition to being sad and unhappy, some people get apathetic, removed and quiet; and some people get irritable and frustrated. • Be reasonable in the amount of time for healing. The acute grief period generally lasts two to three months. • Make sure the person is included in family events and not isolated, and provide lots of encouragement. • Keep a close eye on your relative. Accident rates following the death of a loved one (falls in showers, car collisions, etc.) are approximately three times more likely than usual for about six months. • Be on the watch for elder abuse, particularly financial abuse. (As previously reported, this occurs primarily by family members and friends.) • Listen for statements about guilt, remorse or that life’s not worth living. Also watch for problems with sleep and lack of appetite that continue for more than three months. The person may be in need of a little more help. “People have to realize that grief is normal. It’s a normal reaction to a loss. But about 20% of the people or maybe more go from grief to depression and families need to be alert to that,” says Kemp. “I generally al-low people two to three months for the acute grief, then I want to start to see it improve.” Lastly, be aware that your surviving relative may not be in as good a condition as you previously believed. The death of a spouse often unmasks other problems that were already there, but compensated for by his or her partner. Garcia of Lake Forest, for example, noticed some memory failings in his father prior to the death of his partner, but thought they related to normal aging. The magnitude of his ailment quickly came clear - within two weeks following the death. So severe was his dementia, so well compensated by his partner, that his dad was unable to continue living on his own. “It totally accelerated upon her death,” says Garcia. “And then we put all the signs together.” Sandy Bennett is associate editor. Signs of depression Many of the symptoms associated with depression are seen during the grief process, which is normal. However, be aware if these signs persist over several weeks without any improvement. • Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood. • Sleeping too little, or sleeping too much. • Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain. • Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed. • Restlessness and irritability. • Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless. Source: Senior Solutions of America, Inc. |
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