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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Middle Years (7-12)
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When my 8-year-old climbs in the car after school he's happy to share all the details of his day: who he played with at recess, who misbehaved in class, and what the person on yard duty said at lunchtime. I'm lucky if my 10-year-old utters a single word. Is it personality, or is it the age? No matter, as parents we know it's important to keep an open line of communication. “It's very important to nurture communication skills at this age. They have a profound effect on the fabric of their life; self-esteem, workplace success, social relationships and more,” says Dr. Alan Hanft, a child psychiatrist at UC Irvine. Here are some tips for bridging any conversation gaps you may have discovered recently. COMMUNICATION IS AN ART Good communication skills don't always come naturally; sometimes, preteens need to be taught how to express their feelings effectively, explains Dr. Hanft. Some kids aren't aware that their tone or their choice of words can come across hurtful, antagonistic or inappropriate. As a parent, you can help your child learn the right language to express their feelings. For example, if you know they're feeling down because a friend cancelled a play date, encourage them to talk about any feelings of disappointment or anger. If your child says there's nothing bothering him, and you think something is, don't take their answer at face value. Instead, ask a few casual open-ended questions, or get them to talk about a subject that they are not emotionally invested in. Usually, once they start talking, they will eventually move on to the real issue. When they do, advises Dr. Hanft, be sure to praise them for disclosing their feelings. RELATIONSHIP FIRST One of the quickest ways to inspire a conversation with your preteen is to invest in your relationship with them, says Marta Hatter, a licensed clinical social worker in Irvine. “Companionship is very, very important at this age. Find out what they want to do, hang out with them and do it,” she suggests. That may mean mom sits down with her video game-playing son and learns how to play a new game, or dad, who's not a fan of shopping, takes a trip to the mall with his daughter. Sometimes it takes a little extra effort being invitational, but it's never too late to work on building the relationship as long as parents follow a few simple rules. During “relationship” time there should be no lecturing, and no asking questions about homework, chores and the like. If you notice a sudden change in the amount of conversation you're enjoying with your preteen, it's usually a signal that you need to invest in some relationship time. CREATE YOUR OWN CODE Another way to create a more inviting atmosphere for conversation is to avoid preaching when you start a conversation. “We tell our kids the same things over and over until they memorize it. All that lecturing tends to close them up,” says Hatter. So instead of telling junior to remember his manners, say please and thank you, and all of the other helpful hints you try to bestow each time he goes somewhere, come up with a code, or key word you can say that lets him know what you want him to think about. “It's kind of like telling them, let me know you're thinking about the stuff I usually say, and I won't go into the whole spiel,” says Hatter. Of course, no matter which tactics you use to initiate a good discussion with your child, sometimes the timing is simply not right. “When they say they don't want to talk about something, we need to allow them to have boundaries and respect their need for room to think,” reminds Hatter. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor. |
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