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 Well, now as a parent yourself, you have probably been thinking about how to approach the topic of sex with your son or daughter. As your child begins to grow both physically and mentally, you may want to start figuring out how to approach one of parenting’s most avoided discussions – sans the sweaty palms and awkward glances. Fortunately, there are so many useful resources and experts out there who are easily accessible in order to guide you over this parenting hurdle. Dr. Sanaz Majd, a family practitioner with offices in Riverside and Santa Ana, gives the following advice when talking about the important coming-of-age topic with your child: “There is no ‘right answer’ for when to start having the sex talk with your child, because it depends on the age and maturity of the child,” she says. “For your preteens, once their bodies start to change, that’s a good time to talk to them about how their bodies will continue to change.” If the child raises the questions first, do not ignore it, advises Majd. She is asking for a reason. “If the parents don’t address the questions, the child will obtain misinformation from other, likely unreliable, sources,” says Majd. “The important thing is this: It’s important as a parent to address sex early on, whether or not the child brings it up.” If you’re caught off guard or the question comes up when further discussion is difficult, it’s okay to hold off temporarily. “If your child asks you a question unexpectedly, give your child a simple response and tell her you’ll find more information and get back to her,” says Dr. Lita-Luise Chappell of Irvine, who specializes in human sexuality. “This way, you give your child an immediate response and time for you to prepare a more specific answer.” Stephanie Kight and Irene Salazar, of Planned Parenthood in Orange and San Bernardino counties, believe that because every parent-and-child relationship differs, using “teachable moments” and letting the child lead the conversation allow the parent to talk about sex with a lot less pressure. An example of a teachable moment can be a movie or TV show featuring a character going through puberty. You may want to ask your child if he understands what the character is experiencing. This way, you open up a discussion rather than start a lecture, and can gauge where your child may be with sexual awareness. “Normalizing the topic of sex and preparing them for the change that will be happening to them physically leads to a positive and healthy respect for their developing bodies,” says Kight. Not to add additional pressure, but Kight also believes that “the parent is the No. 1 teacher.” “Children whose parents shared their values and beliefs on sex, and were more open, delayed the act of sexual intercourse for longer than the children without sufficient sexual information and education,” says Kight. When it comes to family values, Chappell believes that parents should not push their values onto their children, but rather share their values. “Sometimes, we really need to allow a child to really think about something before the parent lays their wisdom or values upon him,” says Chappell. It is also crucial that you do not only address the negative aspects of having sex, such as an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. Discuss the positive emotional aspects of sex as well, such as when sex occurs between two people very much in love and how it means so much more to share it with someone who respects you and loves you for who you are. Giving honest and frank answers to your child’s questions helps your child understand that you are taking her seriously and that she can trust you with her questions, according to Family Education (life.familyeducation.com). “Sex education is a process, and it’s far more than one brief, uncomfortable conversation. It’s a process of building trust with your child,” Family Education advises. Another reason to be an open parent is that studies show that the kids who feel they can talk to their parents openly about sex tend to partake in less risky behavior. “The better connected you are with your kids, the better you’ll be able to recognize when something is wrong,” says Madison. “You’ll know when they’re acting differently or when they’re showing signs of distress. And the closer you are to them, the better you’ll be able to make a difference when they need you.” Majd recommends that if you or your child are both struggling with discussing this topic, seek professional help or ask another family member who is close to your child to help you with this coming-of-age conversation. Jennifer chin is a contributing writer to Inland Empire Family magazine. DEAL WITH YOUR FEAR Talking about sex may not be the easiest conversation you’ll have with your child, but there are ways to go about educating him without having a nervous breakdown. Amber Madison, author of “Talking Sex with your Kids,” provides some quick and easy tips: > Start Early – Don’t start to have the big talk when your child gets his or her first real boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s better to talk with your kids a little too early than too late. > Talk in a neutral environment – Remember, this talk isn’t an interrogation. A great place to bring it up is while both you and your child are in the car; you not only avoid eye contact, you avoid interruptions as well. > Give accurate information – Use terms such as “penis” and “vagina”; your child should know the proper terminology. > Be a good listener – Create an environment in which your kids feel comfortable talking. Most importantly, do not be judgmental when they confide in you. Source: “Talking Sex with Your Kids,” by Amber Madison |
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