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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Middle Years
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WHEN IT RINGS It’s not just the boy doin’ the dialin’ anymore Like usual, the phone is ringing at your house. However, this time when you pick it up, the young girl’s voice on the other end isn’t asking to speak with your daughter, but rather your son. Your first thought: How cute! Your second thought: Wow, have things changed! “It’s not a big deal to call a boy on the phone,” says 12-year-old California preteen Chelsea Obrochta. “But it’s easier to instant message, and that way you can talk with a whole bunch of people at the same time.” Yes, not only have “the rules” about girls calling boys changed, but so has the technology. With instant messaging, girls don’t have to worry about sounding nervous on the other end of the phone, they don’t even have to speak in complete sentences. And perhaps best of all, they don’t have to talk to any nosey mom who might otherwise pick up the phone. “I think IM opens the door for communication between boys and girls,” says Chelsea’s mom, Laura. “They don’t have the same intimidation they might have when they’re talking in person.” Boy-girl friendships, coed group outings, and busy, busy schedules are all a common part of the middle school social scene these days. So it only makes sense that children are taking advantage of whatever channels of communication they have at their fingertips. Chelsea says she uses her family’s computer (located in a home office) to chat daily with school friends on her buddy list and occasionally contact a new friend whose screen name has been passed along to her. “It’s not awkward to contact someone for the first time on IM because they always have the option to decline if they don’t want to talk,” explains the sixth-grader. She estimates that about 75% of her peers are chatting on IM, although some of them have to deal with one-hour time limits enforced by computer software. Like her, many of them have been using IM for more than a year now. Chelsea, like several other 11- and 12-year-old girls I spoke with, says that while girls certainly call boys these days, she would not phone a guy she had a crush on. However, she would use IM to invite someone to join a group outing to the movies. Yes, although we may not want to admit it (and our daughters may be far from ready), today’s truth is that the next step after phone calls and IM is “dating.” So even if the topic of calling or instant messaging boys hasn’t come up at your house yet, it will. Why not be prepared to start a dialogue with your preteen daughter about how to handle herself on the phone and the computer beforehand? Here’s a few thoughts to help you and your daughter navigate the “new rules,” while keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you as well. “There’s nothing wrong with girls calling boys,” says Nancy Gruver, publisher of New Moon, a magazine for girls 8 to 14 years old. “But it’s our job as parents to help her keep her balance if she expresses a romantic interest in a boy.” Gruver recommends setting limits on talk time and remaining within earshot of conversations. She also encourages parents to remind their daughters that they can like a boy in a non-romantic way as well. Helen Cordes, editor of Daughters newsletter and mother of two girls, including a 12-year-old, agrees that it’s OK for girls to call boys, but not before parents sit down and talk about where a phone call may lead. “When a boy and girl are already friends and they’re already communicating about normal stuff regarding school or extracurricular activities, I think that is healthy and normal,” she says. “But parents need to be clear about what is acceptable and if they want their daughter calling up and asking boys out.” She’s less enthusiastic about the trend to communicate via IM, describing it as hard to regulate and even risky for some preteens. “With a phone call, at least you can sometimes overhear bits of a conversation, but IM is really hard to supervise, even if you try to check up regularly. And kids aren’t ready for some of the flirtation and propositions that are going on at earlier and earlier ages.” Another shortcoming of IM is the anonymity that allows children to type things that they would never actually say in person. Kids can be meaner or ruder, says Cordes, and often easily misunderstand when there’s no tone of voice or emotion to accompany the words. The biggest mistake parents can make is to stick their heads in the sand and ignore the situation, she says. Instead, start a conversation with your daughter by asking them how they might handle a hypothetical situation involving calling or chatting online with a boy, suggests Cordes. Listen to what they say and then offer your own thoughts. Of course, these conversations aren’t just for girls. Boys need a little guidance too. And anytime you put aside a few minutes to chat with your preteen about phone calls or whatever, you’re sending them that all-important instant message that you’re there for them. |
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