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Middle Years
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It’s Thursday morning and the rush is on. We’re not actually running late, but we’re searching for my 10-year-old daughter’s music stand. As the clock ticks away, I see less and less chance of uncovering it. As she weeds through what was already a messy room, the piles of schoolwork, artwork, stuffed animals, CDs and folded clothes waiting to be put away seem to balloon. Even if she manages to find the missing item, by the time she does, we’ll both be frustrated and our day is off to a bad start. A messy bedroom has become my daughter’s signature. She cleans up when necessary, but doesn’t have much motivation to keep it neat on her own. I worry that her sloppiness will carry over into other areas of her life and become a stumbling block. How will she make it through high school, manage when she’s living on her own, or stay organized when she has a real job? “Just because they’re messy during the preteen years doesn’t mean they’re going to end up being disorganized adults,” assures Tricia Buttkus, a licensed clinical social worker. “During this time, it gets bad. Everything becomes more confusing and chaotic, but if you give them the tools, they will use them.” What tools are we talking about? The first one is consistency, says Buttkus. If you haven’t already spelled out what is expected of your children when it comes to keeping their room tidy, a good place to do so is at a family meeting. “Tell them what you expect, set the guidelines,” she says. “You can make a choice to keep your kids’ rooms clean, or have them do it themselves. But don’t go back and forth.” If you choose to have your children do their own cleaning, you may want to offer an incentive, not necessarily an allowance, but an extra perk, such as a spontaneous trip to the ice-cream shop once in awhile, to show them that you appreciate their effort. On the other hand, if they aren’t keeping up their end of the bargain, that’s what Saturday morning is for, even if it conflicts with a playdate or a birthday party. A messy room can sometimes be so overwhelming that kids don’t know where to start, says Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a licensed psychologist and founder of BetterParentingInstitute.com. She suggests teaching your child to break down the job into smaller, more manageable pieces by asking them questions. Just be careful how you phrase things, since they tend to take things literally at this age. Have you ever asked your child to pick everything up off the floor only to find it all piled on the desk 10 minutes later? Next time, make sure to ask them where they intend to put specific things, such as dirty clothes or reading books. If you come back and there are still a few odds and ends lying about, praise them for what they’ve done so far and ask again where they intend to put the remaining items. “The more you can provide them with questions and situations that let them do their own thinking, the more you are helping them learn to take on the task for themselves,” explains Panaccione. “You’re teaching them to think it through and evaluate their performance.” If the mess spills out into other areas of the home, Buttkus advises setting limits early on. Several years ago, her kids liked to use the coffee table in the family room as a dumping zone. But no more. “The rule was, after 2 days, it became mine,” she says. “They always got a warning, but after that, if it was anything of value, it got put away for a week, and little things like happy meal toys went straight into the trash.” Part of the problem is simply too much stuff. But resist the temptation to clear out a room by shoving everything into a 50-gallon trash bag, warns Buttkus. You’ll probably end up with a resentful child, who won’t cooperate because they have nothing to lose. Instead, schedule a few hours to tackle the task together and mutually decide on which things need to go. Of course, even though it’s important to teach kids to keep their rooms neat and organized, every kid needs a little leeway now and then. Say, for example, after you find a missing music stand. Those are the times when it’s best to simply close their door. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor to Inland Empire Family Magazine. Get organized! Jump-start your child’s efforts to keep his or her room clean by providing them with well-organized closet space. Storage systems can double the amount of space available, says designer Jeannie Kolstad of Cabinets Plus. Here are a few of her strategies for keeping things tidy: > Get kids to hang as many things as possible, it takes up a lot less space and it’s great for those who don’t like to fold. > Make room for a laundry basket in the closet and lessen the likelihood of clothes landing all over the floor. > Cubbies aren’t just for preschoolers. Small, stuffed animals, hairbows, and folded T-shirts fit perfectly in them. > Consider shelves for shoes and see-through baskets instead of drawers so kids can find things in a glance. “The best thing about being organized is the laundry,” says Kolstad. “When everything fits in a certain space, moms can put it away and so can kids.” |
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