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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Middle Years (7-12)
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Enough, already! Few families pass through the middle years without their share of sibling rivalry. For the Thomure family, that stage is now. Although they do well amongst their own friends at school and at sporting events, put 10-year-old Kevin and 7-year-old Ryan in a group of kids for an extended period and the sparks start to fly. As with many brothers, one wants to be the leader, and the other doesn’t want to be the follower. Not to mention that innate ability all siblings have when it comes to pushing buttons and cutting remarks. On a recent camping trip, the pair even came to blows. So, how can parents handle sibling rivalry before it spirals out of control? The key to helping brothers like these get along is building each one’s self-confidence. “If you’re spending all your time telling them to stop, or trying to figure out who did what to whom, it’s a waste of time and energy. You’re giving negative attention to the fighting and they’re just going to keep fighting to get your attention,” says Dr. Kendra Klassen, a licensed child psychologist at the Center for Individual and Family Therapy in Mission Viejo. “If you do have to intervene, wait for the calm after the storm to sit down and talk about how things could have gone differently.” According to Klassen, sibling rivalry peaks, typically, between 7 and 10, as children become more self-sufficient and start vying for parental attention and reassurance that they are doing well. The rivalry is a response to the feeling that they’re not measuring up. The first thing parents need to do is make sure they’re not contributing to the situation, says Klassen. Parents need to be honest with themselves about whether or not they favor 1 of their children. “Often we do it without even realizing, because it’s easier to get along with a child who’s personality meshes better with ours, or one child is more compliant than another,” she says. “Take a step back and think about the things you like about each child.” Secondly, parents need to model good communication and conflict-resolution skills in their own lives. Sibling rivalry is often spurred by problems children can’t resolve themselves, so they look to their parents for examples of how to do so. However, hearing mom and dad argue, or mom bad-mouthing her boss on the phone, are not the kind of examples that will help them learn to solve their own dilemmas. One quick way to dispel sibling rivalry and bolster parent/child relationships at the same time is called the DRIP method, originated by S.M. Eyberg and E.A. Robinson in the Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 1982. This technique can provide results in as little as 1 week when used consistently, says Klassen. It’s based on the idea of giving children focused, individualized attention to restore their confidence and self-esteem. The activities you do during the time must be child-centered. In other words, don’t tell your child you’re going to spend 45 minutes together working in the yard. If your child wants you to play video games, like it or not, that’s what you do. For younger children, schedule 10 to 15 minutes of special time daily; for an older child, like a 12-year-old, you can set aside 30 minutes every other day, or an hour once a week. > D – As you’re spending time with your child, describe their behavior and comment on what they’re doing. > R – Repeat what they say so to show that you are paying attention. During video-game play you hear, “I finally got that jump!” Respond with something like, “Great, you finally made that tough jump!” > I – Imitate what your child is doing. “This is harder than it might seem,“ says Dr. Klassen, “Because parents aren’t always interested in many of the things kids are. But if you invest 15 minutes playing a video game that drives you crazy, you’ll avoid hours of telling them to stop arguing, separating them and intervening.” > P – Praise your children for specific achievements and choices they make during your special time. “That was a good move,” or “I like the outfit you picked out for your doll,” mean much more than a general comment like, ”You’re the smartest kid.” Klassen says the DRIP method works well because it makes kids feel good about who they are. “Eventually, they will grow and develop more confidence and security about who they are so they won’t need to fight for it,” she says. At least that’s what we can all hope for. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor to OC Family Magazine. |
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