EVERYTHING
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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Middle Years
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At 5, a girl is considered cute if she hides behind her mother when greeted by a stranger. At 10, the same behavior is often considered inappropriate. That’s because in today’s Western culture, an assertive, outgoing personality is often more desirable than shy, sensitive characteristics. This is especially true among children who are generally more attracted to extroverted, overly confident classmates. In fact, when preteens were asked in a national survey to rate personality traits related to popularity, shyness and sensitivity were ranked low as admirable qualities. Despite these perceptions, about one-half of the adult population considers itself to be shy; is shyness even a problem? Dr. Greg Markway, a Jefferson City, Mo.-based child psychologist and author of “Nurturing the Shy Child” (St. Martin’s Press, 2005), stresses that shyness by itself is not necessarily a problem and can actually be a strength. “Shyness can be measured on a continuum with one end being a milder personality-based trait to the other extreme that involves a social anxiety disorder in which a child’s avoidance of situations interferes with their normal routines,” explains Markway. “If a child’s shyness is simply linked to temperament, they often have other strengths such as being a good listener, being sensitive to others’ needs and being a good student.” If this is the case, the best thing a parent can do is to accept them for who they are and help them build upon these strengths. Because of personality traits, many of these individuals end up going into helping professions or the arts. Some famous individuals who have claimed to be shy include Neil Armstrong and David Letterman. On the other hand, if a child’s shyness is so severe he finds himself avoiding even simple social situations, he may actually suffer from social anxiety disorder shyness so intense that it gets in the way of his daily life and even causes physical symptoms, such as a racing heartbeat and shortness of breath. If left untreated, many of these children grow up to experience difficulty in college or on jobs due to social pressure. Many also experience depression, panic attacks and substance abuse. Children who are shy but are basically secure usually go on to live happy, successful lives. Even those whose shyness causes some problems can end up becoming sociable adults by learning basic coping strategies. Dr. Alyson Emmons, a Huntington Beach-based clinical psychologist treats both adults and children for shyness and social anxiety disorder. She stresses that the key is to help the child learn how to control shyness instead of letting shyness be in control. This becomes especially important in the middle years because it can limit social interaction, cause feelings of loneliness, and affect school performance. Markway agrees that as children grow older, increasing social demands are placed on them, which makes it difficult for shy kids. “Whether it involves in-class presentations or attending a school dance, these events can cause a lot of pressure.” One problem, Emmons points out, is that parents do not always try to help their child manage their shyness at an earlier age, so that it eventually becomes a more difficult problem when the child heads to middle school. “A lot of parents think their child will simply outgrow this behavior but it doesn’t always happen,” she says. Experts stress that the best thing a parent can do for their shy child is to not label them as shy. Children, as well as adults, sometimes live up to the labels others give them Another strategy is to encourage social activities in incremental ways. For example, if a child’s shyness is preventing him from participating in something he would like to do, such as baseball, a parent could first take him to watch some games played by neighborhood kids and then invite a couple of friends over to play. In most cases, a parent’s concern and input will go a long way in helping a child learn how to manage shyness. However, if a child becomes extremely withdrawn and fearful, does not want to go to school, or displays specific behaviors such as nail-biting or sleep disorders, a parent should obtain professional help. Help for your shy child • Do not label your child as shy. • Use positive terms in describing their behavior. • Encourage them to talk about the reasons for their shyness. • Describe to your child situations in your life when you were shy and how you overcame it. • Model outgoing, confident behavior. • Praise your child for skills she has mastered. Carol Daus lives in Huntington Beach with her husband and three children. |
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