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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Middle Years (7-12)
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Your 12-year-old is quietly sitting on the couch watching TV when a younger sibling grabs the remote and switches channels. Suddenly, a shouting match between the two explodes. What do you do? Immediately put an end to the disagreement by sending both children to their rooms without listening to any excuses from either of them. Hide out in the other room until the noise subsides, or if you can't take it any longer, come to the aid of the younger sibling who by this time is crying loudest. Calmly enter the room, sit down, and ask both kids to take turns telling you what happened. Then ask them to come up with a solution to the disagreement. Your response says a lot about your parenting style, but did you know just how important that style may be? Study after study indicates that parenting style is a key factor in your child's development, affecting traits like social skills, initiative, responsibility, independence, intellectual curiosity, and even their moral compass. Wondering if you have the style that's most likely to help your child succeed? Take a quick look at the three most common parenting styles recognized today and see which one you identify with. The authoritarian, or strict style of parenting, (A) stresses the importance of authority and obedience. There's no room for discussion here. You may recognize it as the "Because I said so," response, or a spanking if the situation escalates. Of course, there are times when this style is absolutely imperative, especially when safety is involved. Many of us were raised in a generation where this was the predominant parenting style, but today experts believe that this style actually makes it more difficult for children to discover independence and confidence. "At this age it's important to foster self-reliance, independence, maturity, self-control and other things like friendliness, dealing socially with peers, and even curiosity," explains Jill Fischer, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Coast Counseling in San Juan Capistrano. "A parent who's too strict is hindering their child's sense of all those things." The permissive, or indulgent style of parenting, (B) follows the theory that kids can manage their own schedules and activities. This style gained popularity in the 1960s, when too much control was thought to impede creativity, individuality, and self-esteem. But today, researchers say that while the permissive style is typically very warm and loving, it lacks a key ingredient: expectations. "During the preteen years children still need boundaries," says Cindy Kim, a licensed pediatric psychologist at Children's Hospital of Orange County. "Not having to meet any expectations can impact a child's motivation, organization, and follow-through. In the long run they may have high self-esteem but they're not going to be able to function well in a society that presents them with demands. They may give up when faced with a challenges, or even become rebellious." According to researchers, the optimal parenting style is the Authoritative, or moderate style (C.) This style involves establishing rules and expectations based on reasoning, and deals with conflict through natural and logical consequences, rather than punitive punishment. The parent-child relationship is warm and loving, yet expectations are high. "Research studies show that children who are raised by authoritative parents tend to thrive," says Fischer. Why? Because being in a family that has clear expectations, consistency, sets reasonable limits, and logical consequences makes kids feel safe, she adds. So before that next battle over the televisions ensues, maybe it's time to sit down with the kids and talk about how to manage their television viewing. After all, everyone needs to freshen up their style once in a while. Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor. |
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