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Middle Years (7-12)
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How to talk to your children about sex She’s caught him eyeing cute girls at the pool, and he’s even admitted to getting butterflies in his stomach when a certain someone is near. Recently while card shopping, he gave a knowing nod after reading the inside of an anniversary card making reference to the word. But Trish Cuzzo’s 9 1/2-year-old son Zac has never brought up the topic of sex during conversation. “He’s at that point where he thinks he knows what it is, but he really doesn’t,” she says. “I’m wondering when I should say something, or should I at all? I don’t want him to learn about it from some kid down the street.” Like many parents, Cuzzo wants to play a proactive role when it comes to discussing the facts of life with her son, but she doesn’t want to put an early end to his childhood innocence either. And coming from a generation when sex was a taboo topic at home, her parents didn’t exactly forge a path for her to follow. “I think he’ll go to my husband when he’s ready, but I want to be part of the discussion too,” she says. “He needs to hear a woman’s point of view also.” Just about any parent can relate to Cuzzo’s predicament, so you may ask, what is the best way to approach this topic? Start by following your child’s lead, says Newport Beach adolescent psychologist Lesley MacArthur. “Parents don’t need to jump in and start talking about sex. Let the child bring up the questions,” advises MacArthur. “The real issue is making sure that there’s an open line of communication.” When your child does ask you a question, even if it’s one that makes you cringe, try to stay calm and collected as you probe them for more information. “Don’t put them off, or jump to conclusions about what they mean,” says MacArthur. “The more you ask the more you’ll learn. Start by saying something like, ‘Now what do you mean by that?’” If it becomes clear that your child doesn’t quite understand what they’re trying to talk about, don’t just hand them over all the details either. (There is such a thing as too much information!) Let them lead the discussion, asking them what they think a specific word means, and encouraging them to share their point of view. Check yourself to make sure you maintain a loving and nonjudgmental atmosphere. It’s also a good idea for parents to sit down together beforehand and agree on how they want to approach the topic of sex when their child asks, suggests Tere Wilshin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Laguna Hills. It should be an open subject that crosses genders, she says. “But it may depend on everyone’s comfort level. There’s nothing worse than passing on weird feelings.” If you’re not confident about handling the subject, (women tend to have an easier time than men), feel free to ask a pediatrician, someone from the church, or turn to a book. When it comes time for specifics, Wilshin suggests a three-part model that starts with a discussion of eggs, moves on to animals, and ends with basic knowledge of the development of a fetus. If you’ve taken advantage of what she calls, “teachable moments” when your child was younger, like talking about a new litter of kittens, or the pending birth of a sibling, you may have already covered this material. If not, she says, get busy. “If you hold off waiting for ‘the talk,’ your child may have already gotten the message that it’s taboo.” Since the maturity of individual children can vary greatly, parents may have some concerns about the specific language they use. While some 8-year-olds act like they’re ready for college, others can’t even talk about bathroom issues with a straight face, so MacArthur suggests using “loose” references rather than explicit terminology. For example, you might offer up the word “seed” as a substitute for “sperm.” If your child wants more information, they’ll ask for it. However, when it comes to body parts, Wilshin advises parents to always use anatomically correct terminology. Perhaps most importantly, don’t overlook the opportunity to share your family values on the topic of sex during any early discussions on the topic. “It’s OK to let your child know what your thoughts are,” says MacArthur, “and those messages will stay with them for a long time.” If your child hasn’t expressed a lot of curiosity on the topic, you may be relieved to know that sex education is typically taught in the sixth, seventh and ninth grades in most public school districts. “But the bottom line is,” says Wilshin, “the only way you can make sure your child has correct information is if you give it to them yourself.m Michele Piazzoni is a regular contributor. |
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