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I told her he was at the dentist having oral surgery. She said, "Oh, so they're just gonna talk about it?" READ MORE
Middle Years
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This year when Andrea Carrasco was getting ready for middle school, she begged her mom for Etnies shoes. But at well over $60 a pop, the two agreed to purchase a pair of Converse instead. A lucky thing considering that’s what everyone else showed up wearing the first day of school. Suddenly, a girl who used to be happy with jeans from Target and shoes from Payless has new ideas about what she can be seen in, how she must look, and who she should hang out with. Sound familiar? The jump to middle school is a rite of passage every child must make, and having been there ourselves, we as parents can relate to all that accompanies it. For many of us, this transition is happening earlier for our children than it did for us. We worry if our kids are ready, not only for the academic challenges, but the social pressures as well. Unfortunately, wanting to buy a popular brand of skater shoes is not the toughest influence Andrea or other middle schoolers might face. And to make it even more challenging for parents, although our children may need our guidance now more than ever, we’re typically the last people they really want around. (It’s a kiss of death to be followed around school by well-meaning parents at this age.) So how can you help guide your child through these formative years when they’d rather you were invisible? Some experts suggest working from the inside out. Helping your child develop a “core of confidence,” a strong set of values and sense of identity, is the best tool for enabling your child to avoid undue influence from others, says Janet Seymour, an Orange County psychologist. To do this, she says you have to be your child’s biggest fan, but not their best friend. To build confidence at this critical age, make sure you continue to offer your child plenty of praise, even though they may discount your comments by saying things like, “You’re supposed to say that, you’re my mom.” Point out positive things about them, their accomplishments, and the good decisions they make, offers Seymour. Empathize with them about the extreme pressures to be popular, pretty, athletic or accepted, but remind them not to take particular comments to heart, since gossip and friendships may change with the wind at this age. Sharing a personal experience may help, too. Building your child’s confidence helps them realize that it’s OK to be an individual, and gives them the strength to say “no” to negative influences they may encounter. When it comes to friends and relationships, the best way to guide your child is to stay connected. Even if your kid takes the bus, look for other opportunities to visit campus occasionally. It’s a great chance to update your middle school perspective, see what other kids are wearing, and get a feel for the social climate. “A lot of times kids this age ask their parents not to hang around and many take this as a sign that they don’t need to be involved,” says Pat Hould, a middle school principal and spokesman for the National Association of Elementary School Principals. “But these are the years kids need their parents the most.” Encouraging your child to invite new friends over to your house, or offering to take them out to ice cream is a great way to stay in touch with the social network. Just remember that you’re not one of the gang. When it comes to risky social behavior, inappropriate dress, or the like, despite any pleading, begging, tears or even nasty name calling, you will need to be the one to tell your child no, even when “all the other parents said yes.” “If you want your child to be able to say no to others, you must say no to them,” says Seymour. Which brings us back to that pinnacle of middle school mania, which is appearance. It may be important to your child to wear certain brands or styles, but in order for you both to better understand why, first ask your child what kind of image she’s trying to portray by putting it down in words, suggests Seymour. Whether it’s pretty, preppy, rebel, rocker or whatever, it may help you arrive at purchases that you both agree on with a little less hassle. If you find that it’s not quite that easy to reach an “agreement” about acceptable fashions, be prepared to negotiate. “If you’re spending time with them and keeping them away from drugs and alcohol, it might be a reasonable compromise to allow dyed hair,” says Hould. “But if you take a really hard line, they may try to work things out with others and the results could be a lot worse.” Despite all the challenges that middle school will undoubtedly hold for children and parents, there are a lot of good moments to be had too. “The hardest part has been stepping back and letting go,” admits Andrea’s mom, Paula Carrasco. “But she’s been excited about middle school since the day she got out of the fifth grade, and so far it’s been a wonderful experience for both of us.”m Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. |
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