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Middle Years (7-12)
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It’s a real problem, not a rite of passage When Nick Mathews was in fifth grade at a San Juan Capistrano elementary school, the same group of kids continually picked on him throughout the year. Yet he was still caught by surprise when 10 of them cornered him one day at recess and started beating him up. Even though he was studying martial arts at the time, Nick says he was too busy trying to block their punches to do much else. Today, with two more years of martial arts studies under his belt, the 12-year-old says he knows how to defend himself if it ever happens again. But perhaps even more importantly, says his mom Barbie, he’s discovered a renewed sense of courage and a stronger belief in himself – characteristics that experts point to as the most important tools a child can have when it comes to dealing with bullies. Bullying is not a new phenomenon, but the many shapes it takes, including verbal intimidation, humiliation, manipulation, exclusion and clear-cut physical attacks, continue to be a problem for both boys and girls today with far more disastrous results. In fact, according to the American Justice Department, 1-in-4 kids is bullied. Other surveys put that number significantly higher. (Certainly the definition is getting broader. A generation ago, a lot of this activity was scratched up as a passage of life. Today, bullying may, for example, include preteen girls making sexual suggestions that a boy can’t maturely handle.) A recent UCLA study has also shed some new light on the personality of bullies and their victims. Contrary to what we may think, today’s bullies are often popular, handsome and self-confident, not the social misfits looking for a quick ego boost. Instead, it’s the victims who suffer from depression, social anxiety and loneliness, and we’ve all read about how these feelings can express themselves in schoolyard violence. One of the key challenges of dealing with bullying is that more often than not victims don’t report what happens to them because they think it’s their own fault. Or, they react inappropriately and become part of the problem. Add to this the vast number of parents who are totally unaware how prevalent bullying is, and you’ve got a recipe for trouble. How can you help your child develop the self-confidence to effectively deal with a bully if he is ever put on the spot? It may just be a matter of preparation. “In a moment of crisis, kids are most likely to freeze. You need to pre-rehearse different scenarios with them so that they know what to do without having to think about it,” explains Ava de la Sota, creator of the conflict resolution program “Cool Tools,” which has been rolled out to more than 20 schools in the greater Los Angeles area. Parents should start talking to their children about healthy friendships and bullies as early as age 7 and actively keep that conversation going for years to come, she says. And if you hear something upsetting during one of these talks, do your best not to overreact. Many children won’t tell their parents they’ve been bullied to avoid upsetting them. “If you want your kids to tell you what’s going on, use the ABCD approach,” she offers. “Acknowledge their feelings, have a balanced reaction, communicate with them in order to get the whole story and discuss what they could do differently next time.” To prepare for “next time,” de la Sota encourages parents to take advantage of everyday opportunities, like a ride in the car, to practice “what if” situations with your child. Ask them what they would do if someone took their lunch money, for example, and brainstorm a suitable plan of action together. If you have a child who may get teased or picked on for something like wearing glasses, having pimples, or being chubby, de la Sota encourages parents and child to collaborate on a “one-liner,” a quick quip based on humor or fact, they can have at the ready for any hurtful comments flung their way. Of course, it’s not just about helping your child acquire the confidence to verbally respond to bullying. The bigger challenge is to help them find the confidence to walk away from potentially dangerous situations. Experts say that when it comes to bullying, the most important thing you can teach your child is an exit strategy. Irene van der Zande, co-founder of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, a California-based organization that provides personal safety training for children and adults, advises her students to let the bully have the last word. “Kids need to believe in themselves enough to be able to walk away in the face of insults and keep walking even when someone orders them back,” she explains. To make it even easier, give your child a plan to follow when he or she disengages from an altercation, suggests de la Sota. “Tell them to take a step backwards, and even if they don’t want to tell a teacher, reposition themselves so that they’re out of the bully’s power play.” If your child is forced to physically defend himself, rehearsed moves like a soccer kick to the shins, or a quick jab to the eye can be useful, but van der Zande says they should only be used as a last resort. “Self-defense is like emergency medicine,” she says. “Only after our students have shown us they can stay calm in such situations do we practice basic fighting skills.”m Michele Piazzoni of Folsom is a regular contributor. |
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