EVERYTHING
FOR YOUR FAMILY
KID
QUIPS
“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Feature Story
|
||||
|
How to build a child’s healthy foundation We know we need it. We hear we should nurture it. Without it, we risk falling victim to life’s myriad pitfalls. But what is self-esteem? Quite literally, it is the value of one’s self. Esteem is defined as “to regard with respect; prize.” When we truly respect someone or something, we do not abide by any debasement of that person or thing. This applies to ourselves as much as any other person in our lives. If you respect yourself, you will not allow anyone to speak to or act disparagingly toward you. Most experts agree that healthy self-esteem begins in childhood. It is never too early to foster it in your children. The rapt way in which parents respond to every smile, coo or progression of their newborn begins the development of self-esteem. Children who are neglected during this crucial, formative time often have attachment issues or psychological problems for life. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. We have all heard about children who were raised in an idyllic, nurturing environment, yet still grew up to experience severe problems related to low self-esteem. The reverse can also be true. Take Oprah Winfrey and author Dave Pelzer, two extreme examples of abused or neglected children who grew up to be exceptionally successful and models of self-respect. “Self-esteem is not finite,” says Chris Mundale, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Irvine. “The most accomplished people in the world face occasional periods of self-doubt. Self-assuredness can be capricious and vary according to individual situations.” The bully factor For instance, an oldest child may be confident at home, but perhaps they’re one of the youngest kids on the block and victimized by bullies. A shy middle child might be a talented athlete who takes a leadership role on the field or in the gym, when they’re out of their older sibling’s shadow. “The first thing we need to do is dispel the myth that gregarious or outgoing personalities indicate high self-esteem,” says Mundale. “Often children with the most bravado are completely deficient of self-esteem. Bullies are the classic example of this.” Bullies are no longer the stereotypical boy who picks on smaller or weaker kids, but the “Queen Bees,’” or girls who travel in packs and use harassment and vilification to destroy reputations. According to the May 18, 2006 episode of ABC’s “Primetime,” this type of persecution is becoming more and more prevalent among adolescent girls. Even a happy, well-adjusted child can experience tumult when faced with life changes. “One of the most precarious situations in a child’s development is the transition from elementary to middle school. It’s a huge stumbling block,” said Mundale. “These kids are going from a very safe, structured environment, with one teacher and one set of classmates to six periods, six teachers and multiple peer groups – while they’re contending with all the awkwardness of puberty.” According to kidshealth.org, some factors that can affect self-esteem are positive or negative experiences with: • Family and siblings • Peers, friends, dating • Teachers, counselors and coaches • Achievement in academics, athletics or other skills • Moving or transferring schools • Divorce or separation • Weight issues • Adolescence “It is not uncommon for a previously confident child to become quiet and withdrawn when their life is abruptly changed, which is the case with most of these triggers,” says Mundale. Hani Telabi, a pediatric psychologist with Children’s Hospital of Orange County, believes that the early push of life skills and communication are the best way to help children weather the storms brought by middle school, adolescence and the ensuing teen years. “Preschool is the most pivotal time for establishing effective interaction with your child, which will be invaluable in nurturing their independence and resiliency through the high-risk years.” Telabi believes, “If you develop effective communication habits with your children when they’re young, they will be more inclined to stay connected as they change and grow.” One of the best ways to establish this contact is by the way you handle incidents of adversity. This can be a key opportunity for guidance and development. Teachable moments “Strong, two-way communication is most important when a child is in trouble. I call these teachable moments,” says Telabi. In order to permanently affect change in your child and optimize these times: Take emotion out of it. Do not sit down to discuss the problem when you are angry or your child is upset. Eliminate the question why, as it serves no purpose. You’re guaranteed to get a shrug, an “I don’t know,” or, “Because so and so said…” Use a proactive approach; Get your child to examine their choices. Ask, “What did you think would happen?” and, “How can you choose differently next time?” Really listen to their responses. Above all, issue a fair but firm punishment and stick to it. “So often I’ve seen people parenting their children as if they were adults – like they should realize all the ramifications of their actions; they don’t,” says Telabi, “However, they do know when they’re being patronized. Respect your children and they will respect you in return.” When Telabi begins working with a child, he believes it is imperative to counsel the family as a whole. “It’s called systemic therapy. A child is a component of the family system and any issues with an individual need to be addressed by the entire family. “It’s a scary thing when I tell parents that 50% of a child’s ability to function lies with them. Children model their parents’ behavior, so if your son or daughter is dealing with certain issues – I implore the parents to look inward first.” “Oprah” exposure This was demonstrated on a recent episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” where two young girls, ages 3 and 4 who already had very pronounced obsessions with weight and appearance, were profiled. Their worried mothers wanted the best for their daughters and couldn’t figure out where their preoccupations came from. Through family examination, they discovered that the behaviors came not from the way the mothers treated their children, but the way the mothers treated themselves. For example, the woman whose daughter was obsessed with weight struggled with anorexia. In another instance, a mother lavished praise on her beautiful daughter, yet the daughter had an almost debilitating focus on being ugly. Through videotaped interaction, they learned the mother continually put herself down, itemizing flaws and commenting on how unattractive she was, while complimenting her daughter. The result: The daughter emulated her mother’s behavior and began to see herself as hideous. “I believe it is so important for parents to confront their own issues with perfectionism especially. It is already so hard for children without feeling like they have to fit into their parents’ unrealistic pursuit of perfection,” says Telabi. Another detriment to self-esteem is protecting children from failure. “We want to give our children everything we think we didn’t have,” says Telabi. “But we do a tremendous disservice to them when we try to shelter them and control their experiences. Learning to fail is every bit, if not more important, than learning to succeed. If we protect our children from losing, we only set them up from greater failure when it inevitably happens.” Mundale echoes this sentiment, “My first rule of play therapy is I never deliberately lose to a child. For them, it’s always a hollow victory and it doesn’t build anything. You can’t develop the muscles of your personality if you haven’t struggled.” Every time a child is allowed to try and win or lose on their own, they grow a little more. From infancy, we strive to help children solve puzzles or play games, but figuring it out on their own develops coping and problem-solving skills, which benefit them for life. Just like we can’t succeed for them, we can’t fail either. “Parents often want their children to stay in an activity to instill the values of commitment. I don’t think that’s always wise,” says Telabi, “I don’t advocate quitting, but I think parents should listen to their children and be receptive if they don’t want to continue with something. If we don’t allow them to change, we prevent them from finding out what they are really good at,” says Telabi. If your child wants to discontinue a sport or activity: Ask them (unemotionally) why they want the change. Perhaps you hoped for a golfer, but maybe he’s meant to be a gymnast, goalie or gourmet chef. Be aware of the effect coaches and teachers have on your child’s experience. Are they being trained too harshly for their level? Your son’s peewee coach may think he’s Bill Parcels. Many times it is another interest, a lack of aptitude, or the fact that it’s just not fun anymore that will prompt a child to want to quit. If their reasons are valid, let them try something else. “Self-esteem will fluctuate throughout life and circumstances,” says Telabi. “But we can give our children a strong foundation from which to build.” With a little awareness, you can guide your child through the tough times. Each occasion where they face pain or adversity and overcome it, the foundation is further strengthened. Susan Belknapp, of Riverside, is a freelance writer. This is her first report in OC Family Magazine. |
||||
RSS Subscribe
Digg This ArticleSEARCH THE SITE
