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“One night, my 3-year-old asked me if she could sleep in my bed. I told her no. She said, “That’s not fair! Why does Daddy get to sleep in your bed?” READ MORE
Early Years (2-6)
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In the beginning, there was Mother. Mama. Mommy. I remember those early days so well. It was a little bit like being a creation goddess, or a blooming sun, a kind of deity or celestial body around which the needy revolved, desperate for my light, my strength. Oh, to be needed. It gave me a sense of worth that I had never before felt. I was a life giver and I was sustenance and even when I was exhausted by my giving Yes, I do remember in particular the morning about eight months into my mother-goddess-hood when I rolled over, eyes closed, and begged my husband, “I will pay you money, cold hard cash, if you just get up this morning with the baby.” The fact that our money had been co-mingling in a shared bank account for more than 20 years did not deter me, nor him for that matter. As I recall, he got up and I stayed down. I don’t think I ever ponied up the big bucks. Still, I savored my place as pre-eminent position in the constellation of parenting. I glowed when I didn’t glower or groan. Biology, of course, conspires to demand this close bond between mother and child. Our family choices, influenced by attachment parenting philosophy, emphasizes it. But what about dad? Zeus to my Juno? Moon to my Sun? He was, after all, co-creator. My wise aunts, mothers to multiple children, aunts to even more and grandmas all around warned me that Papa might not be involved with junior until he got older. Indeed, the classic child-rearing texts suggest the same. Mother first, father second and only after the baby attains certain developmental milestones such as, say, complete sentences and potty-training. It’s still popular to see fathers as some kind of relief pitcher, the guy the coach sends in when the star is feeling a bit ragged. Indeed, a new survey conducted by the Department of Labor reveals that in two-parent households where both parents work and the youngest child is under age 6, time spent daily providing primary child care averaged 2.7 hours for women and 1.2 hours for men. Physical care, playing with children, and travel related to child care were the most common primary activities. While the survey obviously reveals other issues, it also points out the legacy of mother, even a working mother, as Number One Parent. Change is slow. But fathers have their own contributions to give, and as the child moves into the early years of childhood, those gifts become vital. Research shows that fathers actively involved with their children raise children with fewer problems - and this is true whether or not the father lives in the home. Decades-old studies show that mothers and fathers parent differently not better or worse but differently and in those differences are real strengths. The typical conservative, cautious, need-oriented mothering approach and the curious, problem-solving, physically playful fathering approach children need both in order to develop into emotionally healthy and secure adults. Fathers attached early to their children are able to relate more easily, with perhaps more confidence, more awareness. Before language fully develops, they already know how to read a child’s mood and have ready strategies to respond to emotional and behavioral challenges. Of course, not every father will have the same opportunities for involvement. If a working mother encounters difficulties balancing career obligations and family consider that of the father at least society recognizes the mother’s role in her child’s life. Not so for the father. The resistance he may encounter trying to reconcile work and family may be formidable. Change is slow, and this is not Norway, where men are eligible for months of paid paternity leave! Of course, as the father influences the child, so does the child influence the father. It’s not only what one gives, but what one gets. More perspective, more patience, more generosity. My own husband, co-parent to our 2 1/2-year-old, reports almost daily on his insights: seeing himself in our son, recognizing those little cognitive light bulbs going on in our kid’s head, trying to figure out reasonable and thoughtful answers to questions like, “What do the mountains do, daddy?” Good question. Lisa Alvarez, an English professor at Irvine Valley College, lives in Modjeska Canyon with her husband and 2-year-old son. For Letters: ocfamily.com |
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