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At the Fontana home of Emily and Gary Farino and their three young children, dad’s word is the final word. When 10-year-old Nicolas, 5-year-old Ashlyn or 2-year-old Trevor get a little out of hand, dad’s discipline tends to work better. Mom is the “softy.” Yes, Nicolas will lose his PlayStation privileges, but long enough is long enough. “I look at my husband and sometimes I wish I could be as strong as he is. When my kids look at me with those puppy-dog eyes, I tend to want to give in,” says Emily Farino, 31, a stay-at-home mom whose husband works in construction. The Farinos are what many call a “traditional” family: Dad is the full-time breadwinner and mom stays home with the children, doing the bulk of the child care and running the house. They are similar to most American families in that their style of parenting varies. “When you get married, you try to find people with similar values, but when you have kids, you don’t know,” says Emily. Take the subject of discipline. Emily Farino told her husband from the very beginning that she didn’t believe in spanking and preferred to use timeouts or another measure of discipline. Her husband, although a more strict disciplinarian, agreed. They ruled out spanking as a potential means of punishment, but still, “When he puts his foot down, the kids know it,” she says. Defining style Parenting styles can range from permissive parents who let their kids set their own bedtime hours and decide what they will eat for dinner, to authoritarian parents who expect obedience without question. Experts and parents believe that gender accounts for much of the disparity, as mothers and fathers parent in different ways. While defining right and wrong ways for child-rearing is an inexact science, fair and firm parenting provides the best recipe for happy, well-adjusted kids. Couples should work out their differences, discuss their vision and goals for raising their children, delegate responsibilities at home, and support each other’s decisions. “Marriage and raising children should be a partnership,” says Dr. Sarah Steinmeyer, a Laguna Hills-based clinical psychologist. “Any good partnership requires a delegation of responsibilities. Discuss what needs to get done and this will be a good model for the kids. They can learn that a respectful relationship is not defined by someone telling somebody else what to do.” Parenting differences are also believed to be good for children, who learn to adapt to many behavior styles. Says Lori Radun, an Illinois-based life coach for mothers and the author of a monthly online magazine for moms (www.true2youlifecoaching.com): “No two people in this world are exactly alike. Some parents are very flexible and some are quite structured. Some parents are playful and others are more serious. There are quiet and mild-mannered parents and loud and boisterous parents as well. As long as children are being loved and treated with respect and fairness, it can be good for children to learn to adapt to different child-rearing approaches.” Mom vs. dad Parenting is a tall order. Accomplishing this difficult but rewarding task is a challenge, in part because most mothers and fathers parent differently. Mothers tend to focus on providing their children with a sense of being loved, valued and protected, while fathers lean toward instilling in their children a sense of power and competence, says Michael Webb, a marriage and family counselor in Newport Beach with two children, ages 3 and 5. “Both are critical for a sense of well-being in life,” he says. Here are some other mom-versus-dad parenting differences noted by family researchers, experts and parents alike: • Moms tend to focus more on a child’s feelings and relationships. • Dads are more concerned with achievement and making sure their kids are competent, confident, disciplined and prepared for the world. • Dads tend to have less patience with babies and small children. • Moms are more cautious and protective, and they worry more than dads. • Dads are more likely to encourage their children to take some risks, which experts say can help children develop self-confidence. For example, at the park, dad is more likely to encourage his young daughter to take another step on the play equipment or to ride her bike faster, while mom will stand back, fearful her child will fall off the jungle gym or bike. • Moms tend to take over around the house and become compulsive about housework, childcare, and being “supermom.” This may prompt dad to back off and give up parenting opportunities. On the other hand, moms feel the pressure because they are generally held responsible for running the home and keeping everything in order. If guests come over and the house is messy or dirty, it’s usually mom who gets the blame. No one ever said that dad was a lousy housewife. • Moms feel they are doing more and they usually are; however, they are probably trying to do too much. • Dads tend to miss the relationship they had with their wives before they had children. At times dads feel neglected by their wives, who are often tired and consumed with the minutia of child care. • Parents tend to be more forgiving toward the child of the opposite sex. They focus more on and often pick on - the behavior or dress of the child of the same sex. • Moms and dads play with their children differently. Dads like rough-and-tumble physical play with their children while moms prefer quieter and gentler play. Dads bounce babies, moms cuddle them. Kathy Donde of Dana Point, a former high school chemistry teacher who left her job to stay at home with 3-year-old Abby and 11-month-old Jonah, finds that mothers tend to be more nurturing. “Fathers have less patience and are quicker to blow,” she observes. Donde describes her parenting style as “very attached.” The baby sleeps with her, she carries him a lot, and she doesn’t believe in letting children “cry it out.” Her husband, while at times more strict with Abby, agrees with his wife on those issues. However, when Abby cries, “He (Donde’s husband) gets mad. I say, ‘Don’t get mad, distract her.’” Nevertheless, Donde says her husband and other dads she knows are more involved with their children than the previous generation of dads. Her husband Yariv, a research chemist, gets home from work by 6:30 p.m. and spends time with the kids before they go to bed. “On the weekends, it’s all about the kids,” she says. Different people Understanding gender differences and the fundamental differences in parenting styles of mothers and fathers can help parents avoid the gender wars. Greg Bishop of Irvine, an expert on the role of fathers and creator of the successful orientation program for new fathers-to-be called “Boot Camp for New Dads,” urges parents to talk about these issues and listen to each other. “It’s important for moms and dads to appreciate what each brings.” Bishop, whose children are between 16 and 24, also urges moms to lighten up on themselves, and dads to help mom take that needed break. The house doesn’t have to immaculate all the time. The couple can split housework and chores and find ways to cut the workload. One way for mom to get dad more involved with the cleaning, he suggests, is to use humor, such as hanging a negligee over the vacuum cleaner in the hope that dad gets the hint. “The pressures on moms are enormous and their bond with the baby almost makes them become compulsive. Mothers are stressed out. They look to dads and dads are not stressed out, at least not about the baby. That’s one of the factors that divides parents,” Bishop says. One mom says she has learned over the years that mothers need to relax. Sueanne Sylvester of Newport Beach, 48, has a unique perspective on parenthood. She and her first husband raised a daughter, now 18, and a son, now 20, who are both college students, and now Sylvester and her husband Dan are raising active 3 1/2 -year-old twin boys. “It’s like two families,” says Sylvester, a stay-at-home mom who works part time from home. With her second set of children and as an older mom, Sylvester says she has become more laid back in her parenting. Dinner is not always ready on time and the house doesn’t always have to be picked up, she explains. “I don’t have to be the perfect mother this time around. I learned you’re not really going to screw them up. They are going to survive no matter what you put them through. If the teeth don’t get brushed one night, I’m not in a panic. We do the best we can.” Part of why Sylvester can be more relaxed this time around is she and her husband are more financially secure than a young couple just starting out. They have the luxury of not stressing out while worrying about how to pay the bills. “I would like to feel we are more secure and know what we are doing,” she says. Involving dad Kathy Donde, 38, believes the financial security many older parents enjoy helps the family because it can enable moms like her, who used to work full time before kids, to stay home with the children. In addition, Donde says, “I’m more patient and can see the big picture. I had my time to be ‘all about me.’” Greg Bishop suggests that mothers of any age who feel overwhelmed should try not to get mad at their husbands, but seek their help in a positive way. “If mom is frustrated with dad, don’t get angry. Take a different approach. Send dad to the zoo with the 4-year-old.” He adds that dads greatly appreciate suggestions from their wives on ways to bond and have fun with the kids. “Men are not hopeless,” Bishop says. Sueanne Sylvester agrees. Her husband, now 51, married later in life and had figured he would never have kids, so he was overjoyed when the twins came along. “He was so thrilled to be a father it just made him more appreciative of everything and he wanted to be more involved. He wants to teach them things, take them camping and show them the stars. He wants to show them the world.” Studies show that fathers are important in their children’s lives and that children become just as attached to their fathers as their mothers. Research conducted by parenting expert Ronald L. Pitzer, a family sociologist retired from the University of Minnesota Extension Service, found that fathers who use a loving, reasonable and firm style in guiding their child’s behavior produce highly competent children. However, the children of fathers who are unloving, punitive, and authoritarian tend to be dependent, withdrawn and anxious. There’s no question that the modern dad does more with his children than his dad a generation or two ago. Then, fewer women worked outside the home, the father was the main breadwinner who came home from work in the evening to dinner on the table, and contributed little in the way of child care. Consistency a key in parenting Several important themes emerge from parenting experts and researchers. First, having a vision for how both parents want to raise the kids is a good start. Counselor Michael Webb says parents should discuss between themselves issues like, “What are you trying to accomplish in your parenting? What are the characteristics and qualities you want in your children? What do you want them to learn? Then plan to make it happen.” Otherwise, he says, “You leave it to chance. “Whatever the approach, be consistent in how you handle things. Don’t change plans. Your kids won’t know what to expect.” Dr. Charles La Vorgna, a veteran marriage and family therapist and former educational psychologist for the Temecula Valley Unified School District, agrees that consistency is critical, especially when children are between the ages of 2 and 7. “Be all over it then. If you get it together then, you’ve got it made for the rest of the time,” says Dr. La Vorgna, who is in private practice in Temecula. “It’s important for parents to send the same signals all the time,” says the father of two daughters, 18 and 20. “Set standards and draw boundaries on acceptable behavior, and be prepared when the kids test you on whether the line in the sand is in the same place today as it was yesterday. “Be fair, firm and consistent.” La Vorgna notes two parenting methods that he says do not work: One, the “Wait until your father gets home” approach. When mom says that, she’s telling her kids that her word carries no weight; she’s giving up her authority to dad, who didn’t see the alleged misbehavior and won’t be home for hours, and whose ultimate discipline won’t be timely. Also avoid telling the kids, “Go ask your dad,” or “Go ask your mom,” because this sends a message that only the decision of the other parent matters. In fact, what children need are parents who both matter. Amy Bentley of Temecula is a regular contributor. COMMUNICATION IS KEY Most disagreements between couples stem from difficulties in communication or a lack of communication. Here are some tips to resolve differences in parenting styles, identify common ground and resolve conflict through communication: FINDING RESOLUTION: Identify your anger or frustrations, fight fairly, choose your battles carefully, and tackle problems quickly. Do’s and Don’ts: Speak in a calm and cool manner; find a quiet moment to talk; don’t get into it when you’re tired or stressed; avoid blaming and accusing your partner; stick to the problem at hand; and try to look at both sides of the issue. Parent as Partners: Parenting conflict stresses out the kids and your marriage. Parents should stay tuned into each other and have open communication. Source: Steven Rhoads, professor of public policy at the University of Virginia and author of “Taking Sex Differences Seriously,” and Aleta Koman, family counselor and author of “The Parenting Survival Kit: How to Make it Through the Parenting Years with Your Family, Sanity and Wallet Intact.” |
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