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How we relate to children often depends on their gender…and ours
Joe Kelly, a 51-year-old father of twin daughters who are now young adults, recalls one important way he was able to build a strong relationship with his girls when they were younger. “My children took ballet for 10 years. I still don’t like ballet. But I went to every darn recital and I loved hearing their passion as they talked about it,” says Kelly, a former journalist and public radio editor who in 1999 founded a national nonprofit advocacy organization called Dads and Daughters. Kelly, who lives in Minnesota, has written five books on fathering and travels the nation lecturing on topics related to how fathers can raise, support and understand their daughters. Kelly took an interest in ballet simply because his girls liked it. He wanted to find some common ground with his daughters. It’s good advice for mothers and fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers and grandparents who want to establish healthy, close relationships with their children. Relationships between any parent and child can be complex; all people are unique with varied likes and dislikes, needs, wants and abilities. What works for a parent to bond with one child may not work with another child. Still, many parents and experts believe that fathers have special, close relationships with their daughters, just as mothers have unique bonds with their sons. Much of this can be attributed to genetics, gender differences in parenting styles, and to the fact that girls and boys differ in how they communicate, express emotions and express their individuality as they grow up. We like you “We are kind of wired to like the opposite sex,” notes Penny Arevalo of San Juan Capistrano, mother of a 12-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. Riverside County mom Danielle Vargas says she is closer to her 8-year-old son than she was to her daughters, now 14 and 17, when they were 8. She’s not sure why but suspects it may be because her son is the youngest, or because she is often amused by his actions compared to the way her daughters do things. For instance, her son will smash a bug while her daughters would try to save it. “I think I feel closer to him because he is the baby of the family; he is the only boy and is far different from the girls. Being that I had my daughters in my 20s and my son in my 30s, I’ve also learned to appreciate his differences and his similarities as well as his developmental milestones,” explains Vargas, an elementary school teacher who lives in Temecula. “My son and I are closer in supporting each other whereas the girls tend to lean on me more emotionally. I can say that Ryan likes to be nurtured more than my daughters and perhaps that fulfills my need to give and love. I’m hitting my 40th birthday this year and my son makes me feel young.” Gender roles Generally, experts, family counselors and parents have noted some differences in the important messages a mother and father each offer their children, with both being critical for a child’s sense of well-being and having distinct impacts on their relationships: Mothers tend to focus on providing their children with a sense of being loved, valued and protected; fathers lean toward instilling in their children a sense of power and competency, says Michael Webb, a marriage and family counselor in Newport Beach. A mother’s message is: “You’re loved and always in my heart,” while the message from dad is, “I am competent and have some power and influence,” says Webb. Other parenting differences include: Moms focus more on a child’s feelings and relationships; dads on achievement and making sure their kids are competent, confident and prepared for the world. Dads are more likely to encourage their children to take risks. Parents tend to be more forgiving toward the child of the opposite gender. They focus more on – and often pick on – the behavior or dress of the child of the same sex. So how do these differences in parenting affect the relationships mothers and fathers have with their children of each gender? Mothers and sons, and fathers and daughters may enjoy a closer relationship than parents and children of the same gender due to a lack of competition brought on by gender issues, especially at the turbulent time of adolescence, Webb notes. Often, he says, “Mothers and daughters have conflict because there can be some competitiveness. On some levels the mothers can feel challenged. Fathers can feel threatened by sons. If the son is trying to express power or individuality, there can be tension with the son trying to establish himself as a young man.” With a child of the opposite gender, however, “There isn’t so much of a threat,” explains Webb. Like father, like son In addition, experts say, a father is more likely to try to “live through his son” and pressure him to do all the things the father never did as a child – “living my unfulfilled dreams” is what Joe Kelly of Dads and Daughters calls this phenomenon. Similarly, a mother is more likely to try to live vicariously through a daughter than a son. This can create conflict with parents and children of the same gender. Webb agrees that parents are often “harder” on the child of the same gender. “There’s a greater likelihood of there being tension in the relationships,” he says. This is especially true at adolescence and the teen years, when children “push buttons” as they try to establish their independence from their parents, Webb adds. Little girls may also engage in what Joe Kelly calls “hero worship” of their dads, which creates a tight bond early on. The same can be true for sons who as little boys are very attached to their mothers, adds San Juan Capistrano mom Penny Arevalo. “Ever since my son Jonathan was little and he could speak, he was in such adoration of me. He would say, ‘Oh mommy, you’re so beautiful, you’re so beautiful,’ even though I had no make-up on or my hair was a mess.” Parental preferences Even though Rob and Laura Lyon’s son and daughter are still young – daughter Katie is 4 and son A.J. is 7 – Rob Lyon says he can already see some different dynamics emerging in the family regarding his and his wife’s relationships with the two children and their kids’ parenting needs. Katie is more compliant and willing to “go with the flow,” while A.J. “wants to explore his own way. It’s more challenging with my son,” says Rob, whose family lives in Rancho Santa Margarita. “I’m very close to both of my kids but I could see me being closer to my daughter and my son being closer to my wife. A lot of times when my son gets hurt, he’ll run to my wife. My daughter, if she gets scared, she wants to be with me,” he says. Parents generally do try to treat their children fairly – age differences considered. Phyllis and Danny Walton of Buena Park, the parents of a 17-year-old daughter and three younger sons ages 15, 12 and 9, have gone the extra mile to make sure there is no favoritism based on gender. That’s because the Waltons say they both grew up in large families in which the girls were favored, which left the boys with hurt feelings for years. All four of the Walton kids do household chores equally, and when it comes to visits with the two grandmothers – who initially preferred having their granddaughter visit over the three rambunctious boys – things have been evened out. Phyllis Walton and her husband spoke to both grandmothers to nip some emerging girl-favoritism in the bud, and everything has worked out. Now, says Phyllis Walton, the boys usually visit one at a time and help out doing chores at their grandmothers’ homes, which all have learned to appreciate and has led to positive relationships all around. “If you want all your children to grow up healthy and feel loved, try to analyze how you treat each of them and be fair,” advises Phyllis. Double standards Despite the best efforts, a double standard in treatment and parenting may emerge in a family. Daughters are more likely to be over-protected or granted less freedom than sons. Some of this is based on the pragmatic fact that women do face more physical dangers than men in the modern world, which scares mothers and fathers alike. It’s especially hard for dads. Rob Lyon says, “I could envision calling my daughter more, seeing if she’s OK, checking on her. I definitely could envision myself checking on my daughter more.” Experts say it’s often easier for mothers to “let go” of their sons at adolescence than daughters, be a little more permissive and allow the son to take more risks or have a later curfew. This is less true for mothers with regard to their daughters, and this double standard may create tension, Joe Kelly notes. He says adolescence is a time when girls start to notice the sexist nature of our culture and the high level of importance placed on appearance, and girls dislike being reminded of limits as they seek some independence. “Fathers should become more aware of the cultural challenges and the common notion that the appearance of a girl is more important than what she thinks, which is bigotry” Kelly says. “Make sure girls know it’s not about them or their fault, and that not every male out there is a predator. If you have to, teach them Tae Kwon Do.” A father’s treatment of his daughter provides the example for her as she grows up about how males should treat females, and how females should be treated by males, say experts. With that in mind, fathers who are abusive to their daughters or wives pass on the message to their daughters that such behavior is the norm or is acceptable. Similarly, mothers who are too permissive with sons send the wrong message. Girls shouldn’t be treated differently from boys, agrees Dr. Charles La Vorgna, a marriage and family therapist and former educational psychologist with the Temecula Valley Unified School District, now in private practice in Temecula. His two daughters are young adults. “Don’t overprotect girls. You’ll teach them they need someone like that to protect them from the mean world and they won’t be self-reliant. The young women I’ve seen who excel have been encouraged by parents, including dads, to be self-reliant and independent, and early on they learned to problem-solve without so much emotion.” Amy Bentley is a regular contributor to Churm Publishing, Inc. FROM DAY 1 Establish a healthy relationship from the beginning of a young life: 1. Start building a bond the day your children are born, advises Riverside County family counselor and psychologist Dr. Charles La Vorgna. “I changed diapers, helped them pick out school clothes, took them to school and helped them with their homework throughout. It was a natural progression for them to ask me more important questions as they got older.” Parents who have stayed connected to their children from infancy will carry on the relationship through the more challenging adolescent and teenage years. 2. See and appreciate the talents and interests of each child. A father who loves football may have a son who has no interest in football – so be it. Don’t expect your children to be just like you or like the same things as you, says Orange County marriage and family counselor Michael Webb. 3. Develop and share common interests with your child. Learn about your child’s hobbies and interests and get involved in them. 4. Find things to like about your child. 5. Focus more on the similarities than the differences. 6. Be willing to change yourself as your children grow up. “Adjust your parenting style to get the results you want with each child,” advises Dr. Bill LaForge, a clinical psychologist and marriage and family counselor in private practice in Temecula. COMMUNICATION TIPS • Be available for your children. • Notice times when your kids are most likely to talk – for example, at bedtime or in the car – and be available. • Start the conversation; it lets your kids know you care about what’s happening in their lives. • Find time each week for a one-on-one activity with each child and avoid scheduling other activities during that time. • Learn about your children’s interests, favorite music and activities and show interest in them. • Let your kids know you are listening. • When your children are talking about concerns, stop whatever you are doing and listen. • Express interest in what they are saying without being intrusive. • Respond in a way that won’t turn your kids off. • Soften strong reactions; kids will tune you out if you appear angry or defensive. • Express your opinion without putting down theirs; it’s OK to disagree. Resist arguing about who is right. • Focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own. Remember: • Ask your children what they may want or need from you in a conversation, such as advice, simply listening or help solving a problem. • Kids learn by imitating. They will often follow your lead in how they deal with anger, solve problems and work through difficult feelings. • Talk – don’t lecture, criticize, threaten or hurl insults. • Kids learn from their own choices. Let them make some mistakes, as long as the consequences are not dangerous or severe. (Source: the American Psychological Association, apa.org). |
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